What I Need From You

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There are things about me that you do not know and some that you probably never will.

Why?

That’s the funny thing about memory, it fades. It is not that I am trying to hide anything from you, it is more that I have somehow hidden these things, these details of my life, from myself. Nothing haunts me though, nothing from my past has me concerned for my future. Even after reckless decisions and pain that I caused to so many along my path, there is nothing that holds me back in regret. I feel that I have always been able to walk away and say that my choices were for the best, that I was able to grow from these decisions that once paralyzed me. Though the details may be long gone…there is nothing hovering over me.

I need that from someone else, from my other half…from you. No matter how complicated and undesirable the situation may have been, I need to know about the ghosts that haunt you. Honesty here is needed, even when it hurts. We are all humans who have learned to grow and thrive from pain.

At the end of it all, I crave someone to grow with me, to blossom and chase these never-ending dreams. Someone who, at the end of a long day, I am almost as relieved as I am happy to see. I need that push to keep me at my very best, to keep me motivated when all of the odds are stacked up against me in the worst of ways. Having my back and fighting by my side are musts. In turn, I need to be able to support you, to fuel your hopes and desires that you have gained through your life – be not a ball and chain, but a rock to keep you centered when the chaos ensues. We need to be a team, able to function in our own ways independently and coming together for something even greater.

We cannot fall in love if we do not accept the failures, the setbacks, and the short-comings of another. I am asking you to accept mine and to help me be a better person, and in turn I want the same for you.

Neutral

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Ten-and-two,

Ten-and-two.

Car idilng,

The driveway felt like a trap.

A voice in the back of her head

Egged her on,

The other pressed her to go inside.

Decision –

 

They hardly seemed to matter as she took her hands off the wheel,

Throwing her body violently back into the seat,

Letting the weight of it all crash into her.

Future, past, present.

It all swirled together,

A never ending stream of choices and regret.

Angrily, she wiped the tears from the edges of her eyelashes,

She wouldn’t let it get to her this time.

Why bother?

Why try?

It was so much easier to just throw the car in drive,

To run away from something that never mattered.

Not to him.

False promises and dead-end hope.

She breathed in heavily,

Shuddering to keep back the sobs that longed to echo out.

Ten-and-two,

Ten-and-two.

 

Push a Little Harder

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She did not choose this, you know – to feel this way. Especially when it came to you. Never before had she felt the pain of having her heart torn in two different directions, two different paths that would lead her to a vastly different place than where she stood in tears with the weight of a wrong decision resting on her shoulders. The worst part of it all was that you were forcing her to choose, to make a decision as quickly as she could in order to regret it in the fastest possible way. She did not, and would not despise you for it, that was not who she was deep down. The blame was all her own, putting herself in such a position had been an error of character, not of an outside factor.

So, you stand there. Demanding an answer that she is not ready to give out.

What is it you will do?

Will you walk away after all of this is done, a smile plastered stupidly to your face that you will never be able to shake?

Will you be able to look at her the same way when it is all through?

Will you allow her the chance to blossom and grow in the way that she needs without the distraction of an ivy intertwining and pulling her down?

Will you sacrifice everything to make her happy, even if just for a moment?

The answer to any of these would be no. You cannot and will not, because she will never give you the chance.

You forced her to choose, to make this gut wrenching decision all her own, and at the end of the day, she will always choose him.

Forever

“There’s a word for girls like you.”

“Self-destructive.”

“No, I was going to say cautious,” he squeezed her hand a little tighter, he hadn’t expected her to say something like that, “Why self-destructive?”

She sighed, heavily, squeezing his hand back a little tighter, “because everything that holds the possibility to be good for me, I always end up ruining and being bitter with myself about.”

“Well, I’m still here.”

“For now.”

“For always,” and she hoped like hell he was telling the truth.

Throw Away the Key

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It almost didn’t matter, almost.

It was foolish of him to think that he could try to change me, and even more foolish that I thought I could do the same to him. People are how they always were and how they always will be – change only occurs when it benefits them, not those who surround them.

That’s why I felt like a complete fool, standing there, expecting him to come with me. I even went so far as to hold out my hand, offer up the last thing that I had to give: my dignity. He shot me down, letting me feel the deep burn of shame as I replaced that hand with a finger and stormed off. The ring of his laughter stung deep as I pushed open the door and let the bitter cold of the wind rush against my face, breathing it in for all it was worth, and it wasn’t worth a damn. Somewhere in the back of my mind I hoped that he would follow me, run after me and scoop me up in some senseless apology that would fix it, even if just for the night. My heart craved the idea and it made my stomach churn.

I cursed out loud as I remembered that he had driven us there. I would have to walk home, the only blessing in the situation was that I lived only a few miles away. It wasn’t worth calling someone to come to my rescue; I’d given up on needing someone to save me. Pulling my jacket a little tighter, I started my track across the frozen ground, fuming with every step that I took.

It did not take long to get home, or at least it did not feel like it did. I immediately got to work. Before I knew it, I had almost everything packed away half-hazard in boxes, my i-pod blaring songs that seemed to fit my emotions perfectly, and had finished off a bottle of wine.

Fuck it.

I picked up my phone and dialed a number that my heart would never let me forget. Punching in the numbers slowly, my heart ached – just for a second, before he answered the phone in a whisper, “Hey you.”

“Hey,” I said, a sigh of relief escaping, turning it into a much softer greeting than I had planned.

“What’s going on?”

“Can you…” another sigh, “Can you just come over?”

“Of course,” I could hear him rolling out of his bed, reaching for his clothes that he had more than likely draped over the edge of the nightstand, sitting there ready for the next day. There were still things about him that were easily predictable, “Need anything?”

He showed up with a sad smile and an amused sparkle in his eye, holding up the bag that held my final decision in the matter in one hand and a bottle of my favorite wine in the other, “When do we start?”

“Would it come off as too anxious if I were to say right now?”

“Of course not,” his smile grew as he pulled out the new lock and I took off to the kitchen with the bottle of wine. By the time I had returned with two glasses threatening to spill over the rim, he had already managed to get the old lock removed from the door and was in the process of opening the packaging to the new one.

He was humming to himself as I handed him the wine, “At least I got a prettier handle than the old one.”

I inspected it as he put it in, filling the empty space that was there in more than one way. I couldn’t help but smile myself.

Once he finished putting the lock in, we got to the busy work of carefully placing boxes out in the outdoor hallway and stacking them as high as we dared to avoid cluttering and having the neighbors complain too much. It did not take as long as I had expected it to, the extra pair of strong hands was greatly appreciated.

I poured us each another glass of wine before settling on the couch under a blanket. He walked over and sat down next to me and it did not take more than a few minutes for us to be comfortably tangled up, laughing and swapping stories.

Things were back to normal.

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, his head resting comfortably in my lap, eyes closed, breathing even and soft, I heard footsteps dragging up the stairs outside. I sucked in my own breath as I heard the steps stop, and all that I could do was picture him taking in the sight of all the boxes stacked outside of what was now just my apartment door. A jingle of keys as he struggled to find the right one in what I could only assume was a panic of frustration or despair, it was hard to tell.

He tried the lock. I could hear him fall apart – a small cry of defeat and either his fist or his head gently hitting against the door, just the one time. I shuddered with him as I heard him take in a deep, shaky breath. After a few moments, I heard more footsteps and him struggling to start bringing boxes down to his truck. Ignoring the tears that had started to stream down my face, I sat there listening until I heard the engine of his truck start back up.

I finally looked back down into my lap, he was wide awake. He smiled at me as he reached up, brushing the remaining tears off of my cheeks. I smiled back and re-positioned myself to lie beside him, his arms instantly wrapped around me and he brought his lips to where they brushed along the outer edge of my ear, “Just be mine from now on, OK?”

Aside

sweet dreams

head cradled in his hands
trying to breathe
trying not to shake,
to fall apart.

he could not win this battle
it was never his
to begin with –
her heart remained elsewhere
his mind always on her
nobody could have known
nobody could have seen.

he had pulled her close
just one last time
kissing her cheek
in the most affectionate of ways
she had pulled away
tears in her eyes
uncertainty swimming endlessly
he let her go
he had to
she needed so much more.

Don’t Forget

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We stood there in silence

Staring up at the light that flickered slowly

Letting shadows dance across the parked cars

It was easier then

Always was after what we had been through

You wrapped me in your arms – effortlessly

Without a second guess

A second thought or questioning moment

I kissed you.

Over the years things changed more than anticipated

Still –

You never left my memory

Constantly creeping into my train of thought

Always strolling back into my life

Somehow

We are always drawn together in the worst ways;

And here we sit in a fairytale

Of once upon a time

Falling in and out of a crazy imagination

I could have loved you.

Words of Admiration

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It was complicated.
Then, it always seems to be when feelings get involved.
I had never meant to break his heart – and I had certainly never wanted him to fall in love with me. I can even recall telling him that, “Don’t fall for me, I will only disappoint you.”
He had looked at me then; eyes wide, hair a mess, lips swollen – I should have walked away then. I already knew, and part of me seemed to be perfectly okay with that, “I won’t”
Blindly he had agreed against something that was already eating him up inside. I saw it as he looked away.
He did not listen and a few weeks later he fell.
I let him get too close as I laid there, head on his chest and his arm around my waist. Those three dreaded words escaped in a whisper as his arm tightened around me.
“I cannot catch you,” I whispered back.
He nodded.
We laid there silently until I could feel the steady rhythm of his breathing slow.
I moved quickly.
He had done everything I had begged him not to, and I could not bring myself to let him break my heart one day.
I left – moving further away before he could fall any deeper.

Java

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I cradle my cup of coffee.

Sometimes it feels like it is the only thing that can keep me warm on mornings like this.

I’m missing you; it’s horribly obvious. Your smile, your laugh, the way that you can look at things with such intensity as to stop the world from spinning. If this isn’t love, it’s something much stronger. Finding you was a chance, and far from a mistake. I cannot help but smile  as I let tears endlessly sit in the corners of my eyes – inching their way out. It is a terrible thing to miss someone, but I have the safety of knowing that you will be back. It is a wonderful thought and the thing that keeps me going, sitting here thinking about you every morning as I let the caffeine sink its way through my body, absorbing into the depths and slowly getting me to stir. It seems to be the one time that I can sit and let all of these thoughts rush through, the one time that I cannot be distracted by anything else.

My entire body seems to fold around that one center, that one cup of coffee that seems to keep everything going in motion.

I take a sip.

Wonderland

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” Stupid rabbit,” Alice muttered to herself as she brushed the dirt from her skirt.
 
“Follow me!” she mocked, waving around an imaginary pocket watch before tossing the missing object far into the forest, “What an absolute waste of my time.”
 
“Time is fluid here.”
 
“You!” she screamed at the caterpillar, “Why can none of you just leave me alone?”
 
“You are as lonely as you wish to be,” he pressed his lips to the hose that he held in one of his many hands and drew in a deep breath, letting the smoke slowly escape his twisted grin and swirl around him in a hypnotizing way.
 
Alice huffed, “And you speak in naught but riddles. You waste my time more than that damn rabbit could ever wish to.”
 
“What rabbit?” the caterpillar asked, his interest peaked.
 
“Nevermind what rabbit,” she threw her hands in the air, “all that I want is to get home and forget this ridiculous dream.”
 
“A dream,” he laughed, “and what would you be doing at home that could be better than here?”
 
“See my family again, play in my room with my dolls, maybe have a tea party. There are a million little things that I could do that would be better than staying here.”
 
“Well, there is a tea party down the way.”
 
“Never again.”
 
“I see you’ve already met the hatter.”
 
“I’ve had the displeasure,” she glared, the caterpillar was unaffected and blew another ring of smoke in her direction, which she waved off frantically before giving up on the conversation. She was getting nowhere with the overgrown insect and he was only frustrating her more; she stormed off.
 
“Do not forget your path! It is yours and yours alone dear Alice!”
 
Alice ignored him as she began to tear through the ever thickening forest, blinded by tears of frustration and led by outbursts of absolute anger. How was it so difficult to find the direction of which she had come? Why did she have to follow that blasted rabbit down his stupid, oversized hole? She felt as if she were in a complicated dream, but the many pinches she had given herself did nothing to help shake her from this never ending nightmare.